Seemed Like A Good Idea

My little brother and his best friend set the backyard on fire one fine summer day.

After the fire department had come and gone and it was certain John and Matt were okay, everyone had the same question: Why? Why did you do it? (Later iterations included, “What were you thinking?” said with far more passion than I’m conveying here.)

“We were bored,” they said.

“There was nothing else to do,” they said.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” they said.

 

Why Do We Do What We Do?

Why do any of us do what we do? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

We say that even when we know we’re making a bad decision. Should we have the big slice of chocolate cake? Logic says no. But something inside–that thing that overrides logic–says, This seems like a good idea! You should do it. Now!

Why did John and Matt set the yard on fire? They were using a magnifying sheet to set an ant pile on fire–which seemed like a good idea at the time. Things progressed from there.

They were bored. They were at a loss for what else to do. There wasn’t anyone else around to lead them in a different direction, to show them something else to do.

 

The Frontal Lobe

Another point worth noting: the frontal lobe of 12 year-old boys aren’t fully developed. Using reason and logic is something of an uphill push with them in the best circumstances.

We hear the word “dementia” and immediately think “memory loss.” That’s true, as far as it goes. Dementia affects so much more than memory; the frontal lobe is heavily affected in dementia, deteriorating as the disease progresses. It’s why using reason and logic doesn’t work when we use it with our loved ones.

Does this mean your parent or partner is going to set the yard on fire any day now? Of course not. But it does point to the need for us to fill the vacuum. Boredom is the bigger culprit here. If we’re able to solve that, then reason and logic becomes a far less pressing concern. We don’t need to explain why something is a bad idea when we’re already set with a better one.

 

Doing and Being

Each of us needs to wake up in the morning with a sense of purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Something to look forward to, the promise of engagement and interaction with others and the world around us.

Not everyone has high social needs, of course, but in a disease process that is itself isolating and which also attacks receptive and expressive communication, the need for connection is profound.

We can help meet those needs by adding structure and routine to the day. This isn’t to say we need to lead a 3-ring circus everyday; not at all. That can be overwhelming and lead to the opposite outcome we’re aiming for.

Just acknowledging and honoring that life is an activity of being and doing is a giant leap in the right direction. In practice, that looks like making the extra effort to switch our mindset from “I’ve got it, thanks,” as we’re doing dishes to, “Thank you so much for helping load the dishwasher,” or whatever the familiar, everyday task at hand may be.

 

Create Opportunities for Fun

Beyond moving through the day side by side, encouraging each attempt and effort at help and independence, we can also focus on creating opportunities for fun. For some care partners, this comes as naturally as breathing. Bless you!

For others of us, it doesn’t even occur to us as we become caught up in tasks that need done and efficiently cross them off our list as we move through the day. So here’s your reminder: create opportunities for fun!

Because of how the disease process works, our loved ones aren’t necessarily able to hold on to a thought long enough to carry it through to a meaningful action. So they’ll need our help in being able to pull off some fun, need us to provide some direction and how-to.

Others may be at a point in the disease process where their brain just lies to them, leads them to believe doing something that isn’t a great idea is, in fact, the best idea ever. They too need us to provide some direction and how-to in order to pull off some (safe) fun.

All this can seem daunting, but I promise it’s possible…and something you’ll never regret spending time doing.

 

 

Christy Turner is the founder of DementiaSherpa.com and has enjoyed the privilege of working with 1,123 people living with dementia and their families. Follow on Facebook, Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and YouTube. Content varies across platforms.